So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
