she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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