Banned from zoo.
Again?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
