Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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