My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
