what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Randomize
