he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
