I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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