i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
