i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Randomize
