Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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