It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
im having a threesome with these popsicles
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
