She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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