u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
