Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
