Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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