I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
