god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
