For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
