Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
