Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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