Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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