I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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