I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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