I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
