ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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