Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
