Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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