Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
