Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
