fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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