I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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