so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
