Yo dont text me then not text me
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
