if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
