drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
