When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
