ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
