i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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