Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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