He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
