i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
