But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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