haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
