Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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