3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
