So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
