Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
