why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
