good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
