I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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